*Desiderare*

I have a long time stopped writing because I wasn't using friendster as much as before. Today I had the chance to read what I wrote in the past and it was like a sudden rush..I actually cannot remember what I have written. It was like reading someone else's stories, bit by bit, my memories drifted back, like tangled cobwebs frayed.

I always seek to writing when words failed me. I remember I had a diary when I was in my high school years. Boy, those pages held more secrets than I can tell in one lifetime. They were my bolster, my thoughts and dreams. I had the best nights snuggling in bed with it, under the covers with a torchlight just writing away, about my first crush, my first love, my break-ups, my failing grades, my best friends, my favourite pastimes, the childish squabbles with my mum...there were so many I do not know where to start. And yet they are still tucked away lovingly at the back of my head and within the deepest place of my heart. They are what made me into who I am today and I am thankful for them.

I am a flamboyant individual, I am never lost for words, but I can never reveal my inner secrets either if it meant hurting the people I care so dearly for. I have covet some things that are not meant to be mine but I have also masterfully disguise my desire and gave excellent reasons to dismiss them. It's when words can help me convey what my human lips cannot bring themselves to say...

I woke up the past few mornings feeling irritable and tetchy. I did not feel like getting out of bed. A sudden revelation hit me: I miss home terribly...I miss the dusty airs and the noise of traffics, the dawn prayers from the mosque, the clatter of old scooters on the streets, just about anything really, that reminds me of home. I crave for the familiar surroundings, to be with my childhood friends, to sit around the TV with my family after dinner...even to see familiar faces on my way to work in Singapore...I cannot believe I actually miss working in Singapore's rat-cooker and I now know why people say that "when the mind is wrought, desperate situations seek desperate measures..."I must be really at the end of my rope to think something like that..

Everyday for the past few days have been a drag for me. I have been trying to remain upbeat for the sake of making my life more pleasurable than it is and looking forward to my upcoming trip to Rome and then in September to Malaysia. I am counting down the days..months to September. I cannot wait. My senses are becoming non-realistic. I want to abondon it all and return home pronto. Yet, I have so many strings attached. I envy my friends back home, who are able to see one another so often, who are incline to meet up as they pleased and merry-make all they like. The friends that I can really confide in are back home and sometimes after chatting to them on the phone, I wish to tear away the barricade and converse with them face to face.

I have gained some and lost much. I do hope that one day I can retreat to the place I truely belong and reunite with the people whom I truely love once again...