Unimportant thoughts

These days I am stressed out. My mind seems to be so full of thoughts that are absurd yet so real and binding. Sometimes unhappiness just gripped me and wouldn't let go. My rational mind tells me "No" and "Don't be a fool" but it always ends up running in different directions. I frighten myself oftentimes with my vivid and unfounded imaginations. I am a logical and rational person but yet when I am down, when I am the least happy, I cannot control how it all pans all. My thoughts becomes disarray and there it gallops, faster and faster, as I lose all senses and then something has to drag me back to reality.

I am not an entirely honest person. I have got my own secrets and these secrets make my mind go wrought. I don't wish to be labelled as a weak individual. I have lived with secrets for so long now and the only person who knows them is Dr Hara. I cannot help myself. I am mentally very weak. Sometimes I think if I was ever truely happy. When I think I've won a war, I'm actually losing other battles at the same time. Thus, I always say I win little but lost much.

I envy my husband. He is stronger than I am and so much more honest with his feelings. He might seem shy but he is braver than he thinks he is. He is someone I aspire to be and I am trying. I once told a friend that I am blessed so to speak because what I have today is something that I can be proud of. But beneath the pride and glory, do I actually FEEL like a victor?? Not really. I am a slightly confused person sometimes. I know what I want, I cannot get it, I try to make do with I have but I am not satisfied. A vicious cycle?? A common err of humans??

Sometimes I feel I have much responsibilities heaped upon me. I try to juggle so much but I am small. Yet somehow, the smallest of persons have to carry the biggest burdens and alas I fall in this category...but life has to go on toiling and it's just what it is...